Down the next slope we came to another plain
Much like the first but not with open graves
But rather boiling tar ran in the lanes
Chiseled into the rocks as an artist engraves
a stone for the printing press
My guide said watch that you behave
Yourself follow my word and do not second guess
me the devils that work the tarpit are a wily crew
As is fitting here where the yes is no, and the no is yes
And seeing some approach said do not let them see you
hide yourself behind the rocks and watch
I’ll signal you when it’s safe and don’t come out until I do
As he approached them I watched through a notch
in the stones I hid behind
The leader sneered and grabbed his crotch
That perverse and grotesque lot still chill my mind
their plastic heads and three piece suits
They carried briefcases and gnawed on skulls like rinds
Of pomegranate, tearing at the deep red fruits
There seemed to arise an altercation
But my protector stood firmly in his boots
And when it seemed he had the situation
in hand, he motioned me to join
The leader said imagine my elation
To hear a mortal had girded up his loins
And made the crossing to our bitter land
Where all the varied malefactors pay their dues in all their varied coins
So honored guest take me by the hand
We’ll take you on a tour of the tarpits
We’ll make a jolly band
My guide whispered aside to me its best we keep our wits
about us, this twisty lot’s not to be trusted
This snake oil slick routine’s an act, it’s
A safe bet that we’ll soon be disgusted
by the nature that all fiends share
The tarpits are where grafters and extortioners get busted
The demon leader declaimed with a tour guide air
The sticky fingered lot, ha ha they’re hiding now
But I think one’s peeking up over there
Then he barked out hey let’s show ‘em how
we do things here boys and in a flash
his minions, with a satirical bow
To my guide and I, made a dash
for the soul the demon foreman pointed out
And no sooner had him out but put him to the lash
The poet said well can we have a word with the poor lout
Your boys are beating into paste
Let’s find out what he’s all about
Although that sorry inmate’s face was a tarred and bloody waste
I thought maybe I’d seen him on the television
And seeming to sense that I had placed
Him, he said if you’re gonna feature me in your revision
Of a better story by a better scholar than you are
His voice dropped to a whisper he said well that’s your decision
But I tell you a’lurking back in the tar,
A sorry lot of stellar congressmen
Lawyers, bankers, and accountants are
Waiting for my signal to come out in the open
Fade back and I’ll whistle up the whole brigade
And you can the bipartisan session then
And leave me out of the whole charade
One of the pack piped up and said it’s sure a shame
It’s been so long since we had an all out raid
So let’s hang back and let Mr. Doesn’t-Want-His-Name
In the papers up topside set his trap
And scare us up a fine flock of game
To give a good taste of the strap
And with that word they faded back
And the erstwhile prisoner they left there in the gap
Jumped up with out warning and leaped into the crack
of bubbling pitch he’d been pulled from
Only a heartbeat passed and two hellspawn launched an attack
screaming catch that dirty cheating bum
I couldn’t help but whisper in Eliot’s ear
That our guides here were awfully dumb
to trust the sort of criminals who wind up here
He just shrugged and said call it a vice
Just then one of the demons gave a shout of fear
He’d ventured too far into the tar and paid the price
And in his struggle pulled his partner in as well
Who bellowing in rage, was carving a slice
out of the first demon who fell
Into the trap they’d sought to set
And T.S. rolled his eyes and said another day in hell
But say he continued while the rest try to get
their fellows out of the tar
for a moment they’re sure to forget
To keep an eye on where you and I are
And things as they’re going it might be wise
To make ourselves scarce and make sure we’re far
away by the time they realize
That we’re as good for sport as anyone
And try to take us by surprise
You’ve seen what they are and what they’ve done
So we’d best take this chance to run
This song is part of a series loosely based on Dante's Inferno. You can read an essay about this series here. You can read a more general explanation of the origin of these lyrics here
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